A Nerd Reviews

Based on stories from Michigan’s Upper Peninsula.

When There isn’t a Movie Theatre…

 A light mist was rising off the road, golden in the beams of a rusted-out, one-time-green truck.  A young man sat crouched in the bed with a flashlight and haphazardly piled planks of wood.

The truck came to sudding stop and started backing up. 

The man in the bed pulled a small sack, a roll of duct tape, and a hammer out from behind him.

“John…,” called a voice from the cab.

“I’m way ahead of you, Klein.” John called, as he jumped out of the bed.

Klein crouched in the middle of the unpaved right lane, “We’re gonna to need more than one, John,” he said.

Klein shouldered two of the heavier boards and moved into the truck’s lighted path.  John backed away so Klein could see.  “Whoa, shit, we hit the fuckin’ mutha load!”

“I know,” Klein said excitedly.  “What do ya thing?”

John picked a stiff body up by the tail and examined it as it slowly rotated.  “They haven’t even by hit yet…Jesus.  They’re beautiful!”

“Well, cornfields….shining…we got lucky.”
“It’s just too good,” said John, enraptured by the swinging striped body.  “I mean, six, dead, dry…hard, but bendable…”

Klein tapped one of the planks John carried, pulled a couple of nails from his pocket, and asked, ”What will it be?  Orgy, or tea party?”

The End

—

I read about an artist who started dressing up and posing roadkill to make a statement about drivers ignoring death….but the thing is, before I read that, I knew these guys in the Upper Peninsula who would nail roadkill into erotic or other ridiculous positions on the side of the road…not to make a statement, but just as something to do on the weekend.

I’ve met other people who knew guys, also from the U.P., who did the same thing.  But they also did minor taxidermy; using squirrels to make beer can holders and bookends out of the stuffed rodents.

Wolves at the Gate 

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, “Wolves at the Gate,” was written by neither Joss Whedon nor Brian K. Vaughn (who wrote the Faith story arc) and the story-telling is the poorer for it.

The story was okay, but it wasn’t what I hoped for.

The tragedy was done well enough but there were moments where it seemed writer, Drew Goddard, tried to awkwardly parody the story and its characters, and while Joss Whedon has successfully done this, most notably in Season Six of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, episode seven, “Once More, With Feeling,” Drew Goddard takes interesting ideas and set-ups from previous issues and turns them into setups for frivolous gags.  Some of them work, most of them do not.

I’ve heard plenty of people say they enjoyed the battle in Tokyo between Dawn and the giant robot built by the Japanese vampires, Mecha Dawn.  Pretty funny in summary; pretty lame in execution.

Xander’s new girlfriend is murdered shortly after their first kiss.  The actual murder scene and the first page of the comic following, were done very well and it was touching.  And then, Mecha Dawn and her amazing ability to point out the obvious while battling Dawn: “I’m a teenage girl.”  “I like blue jeans and irony.”

This could have been funny, but it was out of place.

And so is the character, Andrew.  He never quite belonged, and that was a nice set-up for comedy, but he’s just annoying in this issue.

I don’t want a touching, almost-heartbreaking moments followed by a fanboy and his trite one-liners, or a deus ex machina.  Both remove you from the story; both ruin a moment.
  

I wish that I had a computer in my shower. Inside the shower every idea I come up with, be it poetic, naughty and romantic or just naughty, seems like the most delicious and original idea that I have ever intended on typing. I have tried to come back into my room, sit in front of the computer and write, but drying becomes a prerogative and by the time I get around to turning on the bloody machine, I have either forgotten what it was I wanted to write, or realized that it was an unrealistic piece of garbage. However, under the pounding streams of steamy liquid, the muse-like patter of the droplets hitting my body inspires tales of a naked young woman’s outdoor bath interrupted by a tall, muscular, tan god. He leans against a nearby tree and, ignoring that fact that she is naked, makes a comment about the hazards surrounding a white woman living alone in the wilderness, because this is the 18^{th century and though she has survived to the age of twenty-two in the wilderness, by herself, she is still helpless and weak, and the young Native American man is big and strong, and this is deep and edgy, and cliché be damned, it is a work of brilliance.And this is why hardware should never be waterproof.}

Agent 355: Taking a closer look at Shakespearean references

Agent 355, the secret agent of the Culper Ring assigned to protect Yorick Brown, the titular character of Brian K. Vaughn’s Y: The Last Man.

Agent 355’s name is never revealed, but- *SPOILER*

-in issue #58, 355 whispers her name to Yorick (after both Yorick and 355 (three-fifty) express their mutual affection for each other).  355 then reminds Yorick that she mentioned to him earlier that her real name was old fasioned and corny.  When Yorick starts to tell 355 that he thinks her name is perfect, she collapses after being shot in the head by Alter (Yedida) Ts’elon, the leader of an Israeli military mission to capture Yorick.

So, Yorick finally realizes his true love only to have her murdered and the readers’ are finally presented with a situation were 355’s real name could be revealed, only to have both moments blown away by Alter (go ahead and hate me for that pun, I deserve it).

So, what was 355’s name?

On the cover of issue #58, 355 is shown making the peace symbol.  In issue #60, Yorick visits a tree where the word “Peace” has been carved below the number 355.

So, was Agent 355’s name, Peace?

I hope not, but probably.

As corny as it would be, I would have enjoyed entertaining the idea that 355’s real name was Viola.  This would have added another Shakespearean reference.  From Twelfth Night, Viola is shipwrecked and loses contact with her twin brother, Sebastian, whom she believes dead.  She then poses as Cesario, a young man working as a page for the man she ultimately falls in love with while serving him as an employee and a close confidant.

Then again, maybe it would have been more appropriate for Yorick to have been named Sebastian and Hero named Viola.  For, just as Beth, Yorick’s first love, winds up in a relationship with Hero, so Sebastian winds up with Olivia (who thought herself in love with Viola).

Who watches the Watchmen? 

So, I watched the Watchmen trailer and it’s promising.

The characters and the clips shown in the trailer are almost identical to some of the pages in the comic…so, again, promising. 

But Zach Snyder, the director of Watchmen, was a professional director of commercials before he ventured to film.  I expect a good trailer from someone who’s learned to film the best parts of the product in order to get optimum interest.  Remember how good the trailer for 300 was?

What I can’t predict is how Zach Snyder’s interpretation of an Alan Moore comic will turn out…Hollywood has a pretty poor history of translating Alan Moore’s stories to film (with the exception of V for Vendetta, which was filmed as more of an Alan Moore idea, than an Alan Moore story). 

I know Alan Moore always has his name taken off the a project once it goes to Hollywood, and I don’t know if it’s before or after he’s seen a script.  But after seeing what the film industry’s done to his works, it’s probably wiser to preemtively run from any association.  Look at The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.  That was an amazing graphic novel and an amazingly awful movie.  Swamp Thing was Alan Moore’s, but the movie wasn’t anything like the books.  From Hell, actually, may have all been Heather Graham’s fault.

I guess I can’t blame everything on the directors and studios.  As much as I usually love Frank Miller’s stuff (The Dark Knight Returns, Sin City, etc…) I read bits of his 300 comic, and the dialogue and story is just as dumbed down as it was in the movie.  The comic was just as much about the visuals as the movie was, so, for what Zach Snyder was given to work with for 300, I guess he did a pretty good job.

I’m curious to see what Zach Snyder can do with a story from an extraordinarily intelligent author.  Will he make the cut in the time consuming visuals in order to allow the time consuming dialogue and plot?

There are a lot of layers to Watchmen and I’m afraid of what will be sacrificed.  I doubt they’ll trim some of the gratuitous action for story…not when a director and cinematographer have a chance to show off and get paid for it.

But, I have hopes.

The Dark Knight 

Christopher Nolan has finally given comic book fans the Batman movie we’ve been waiting for.  This isn’t just an excellent comic book to movie, like Iron Man, it’s an excellent movie in it’s own right and it’s the first batman movie to thoughtfully and sucessfully incorperate several different writers’ interpretations of Batman: Frank Miller, Alex Ross, Alan Moore, etc.

In the first twenty minutes of the movie, there was even a reference to one of my favorite Alex Ross works:

Will Heath Ledger be nominated for an Oscar?  Probably.

Does his performance deserve a nomination?  Definitely.

I was on the edge of my seat the entire movie and Ledger’s performance had a lot to do that. 

But I think the media’s obsession with Ledger’s death has distracted from the movie’s other great performances.

Aaron Eckhart’s portrayal of Harvey Dent/Two Face, was also wonderful.  You watch him rise, you watch him fall, and it’s done so well, that it felt like a character study in a Shakespearean tragedy.

I honestly wondered if the movie would end like a Shakespearean tragedy; with everyone dead, and only a few the wiser for it.  But the story was so tightly put together, and the characters so well portrayed, I didn’t care how it ended.  I was fascinated and entertained, and I hope everyone else will be too.

Casanova by Matt Fraction

It took me a while to really get into this book.  But, a quarter of the way through the trade, I’m really enjoying it.

 If James Bond was a narsasist…wait…

It’s James Bond meets Robert Heinlein

 Buy Matt Fraction’s Casanova Volume 1: Luxuria at Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Casanova-1-Luxuria/dp/1582408971/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1216478617&sr=1-5

I will see The Dark Knight, and I will see it today.

And if I see The Dark Knight, I will also see the trailer for Watchmen.  Up until today, I avoided watching the Watchmen trailer up.  Because I love the books and the stills from the movie looked promising (shot frame for frame like the comic) and I don’t want to get my expectations too high.  Like with 300.  It looked so cool in the trailers, but the director was a professional commercial director, so I should have expected a great trailer and have stayed appropriately impartial.  But, for all the historical information available, the dialogue was lame, and the so was the movie-for me, anyway.  I know plenty of people will disagree.  

Oh, and then poor Alan Moore’s books have such a shitty history of being massacred by Hollywood, so, I have little hope for Watchmen.

Hellboy wasn’t a great movie and neither is Hellboy II.  That’s not saying you can’t enjoy either movie.

I just have high expectations for Guillermo del Toro and perhaps it’s unfair that I expect more than I’m offered in the trailers, because if Hellboy and Hellboy II came from, say, Uwe Boll, I’d have stood up in my seat and applauded.

These are the movies Mr. Boll has continually tried and failed to make.  Big action, big budget, over-the-top movies with stylized dialogue.  And sometimes that’s all I want, which is, unfortunately, why I’ve seen some of Uwe Boll’s movies.  But, where Guillermo de Toro succeeds, and Uwe Boll’s consistently fails, is in the establishing and sustaining of a consistent style of dialogue.  Mr. Boll sets up silly worlds, with silly characters, and silly dialogue, and then throws a scene filmed to look serious in the middle of all the silliness.  And you just don’t care.  Not only do you not care, but it pulls you out of the film and draws attention to how bad the thing is as a whole.

And this is where Guillermo del Toro does things right…most of the time.  He leaves the audience with the over-the-top world, the big action and silly dialogue, and doesn’t stop the entertainment to expect you to care about the unrealistic characters.  Well, unless his intention was that the audience care about the forced, awkward-to-watch love story between Hellboy and Liz-which may have been the worst part of the movie.

 But, at least he didn’t force a boob shot into the awkward mess…Uwe.

James Lipton’s An Exaltation of Larks is a wonderful read.

First published in 1968, it’s the foremost collection of collective nouns, nouns of multitude, terms of venery…or venereal terms, if you will-and James Lipton does, and recognizes the humor in doing so.

Below is an excerpt out of An Exaltation of Larks in which Lipton identifies six categories or “families” of terms:

1. Onomatopoeia: a murmuration of starlings, a gaggle of geese.

2. Characteristic (by far the largest Family): a leap of leopards, a skulk of foxes.

3. Appearance: a knot of toads, a parliament of owls.

4. Habitat: a shoal of bass, a nest of rabbits.

5. Comment (pro or con depending on viewpoint): a richness of martens, a cowardice of curs.

6. Error (in transcription or printing; sometimes preserved for centuries): “school” of fish was originally intended to be “shoal.”

 He’s cheeky without being snobbish and he’s eloquent without being boring.

Like Ambrose Bierce’s The Devil’s Dictionary, this is a lovely addition to anyone’s library.

An Exaltation of Larks: The Ultimate Edition, by James Lipton, published by Penguin USA, 1993. ISBN 0-140-17096-0 

Buy on Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Exaltation-Larks-Ultimate-James-Lipton/dp/0140170960